Confessions from the TBR Pile
Fixion Lessons from January
Amidst an insanely busy month of work and theatre-making and trying not to get utterly overwhelmed by the news, my Fixion Lesson for January is acknowledging more than ever that creativity is the antidote to everything. That retreating into fiction isn’t a cowardly act, but a way to process the world; a way to rally your thoughts and bolster your soul.
And when I don’t have the time or brain to write, reading is the most obvious and most valuable alternative.
And yet. I have become a bad reader.
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The other day I was lying on my floor (I’m officially at the age where the simple act of sleeping can apparently give me a back injury) looking up at my bookshelves, idly counting all the ones I hadn’t actually read.
There were… more than I care to admit to here. Books I want to read. Books I was excited about buying. Books that were given to me by beloved people. Books that have been up there, unread, for years.
My to-be-read pile is now a to-be-read WALL.
And there’s a load more on my Kindle — downloaded but maybe never even opened.
The worst part is, I even did a book cull recently. I went through every bookshelf and stack in the house and pulled out all the titles I knew, deep down, I wasn’t ever going to read, or re-read. I got rid of old stuff I was nostalgically holding onto ‘just because’, even though realistically I probably wasn’t going to read them again. I threw books by authors who have, in recent times, been revealed to be arseholes (or straight up monsters) in the recycling. (The rest I took to the local mini-library to be re-homed.)
And yet. The remaining treasures are still waiting to be read.
I know why this is. I read (and edit!) other people’s writing for a living. A lot of it. And I often just don’t have the brain space (or eyeballs) to fully immerse myself in a novel outside of work. I no longer have a handy commute to read on, because I work from home. I do read every night as I’m gong to bed, but I generally only get through a few pages before I’m zonked. And a lot of my TBR pile is research — which requires a clear mind and a notebook to jot down details — and therefore more difficult to pick up casually. I listen to audiobooks when I’m cooking or walking (weirdly I can only enjoy non-fiction though — I don’t like someone else’s voice narrating the fictional picture in my head).
So it’s not like I don’t read. But perhaps not in the deeply escapist way I’d like to. And need to.
Because I know that reading is the very best thing for my writing. Reading things that inspire me. Reading things that are similar to — or entirely different — to what I’m working on. Reading broadly and intensely. Reading without my work hat on. Reading anything, quite honestly. Even stuff I don’t like.
All of which definitely falls under the ‘creatively-enriching, well-being-boosting’ category of anti-resolutions for this year.
So I’m making myself a promise. (Not a resolution — ahem.) Or perhaps it’s more of a boundary. A well-intentioned hope. Actually, let’s call it an experiment.
This year, I’m going to try not to buy any new books unless I’ve actually read some of the unread ones in my house1.
Because buying a shiny new book — as it turns out — is not the same thing as actually reading one.
Instead, I’m going to jump back into all the half-read books lying about the place and figure out:
Why I stopped reading them (a potentially interesting editorial investigation)
If I actually want to finish them — or donate them (and then DO one of those things)
This isn’t a race, or an aim to read a certain number of books in a year. But an attempt at re-finding that easy immersion I used to have with reading.
Just like my creative hibernation and my creative audit and my anti-resolution theories, I’m approaching it as a kind of analysis of my reading habits — what, how, where and why I read. What turns me off (and on) about a book. Which ones take more effort and why that might be. When to give up on a story (and not feel at all guilty about it). What effect reading more for joy might have on my own writing.
I already have a few data points to work from. Eg:
I rarely ever read just one book at a time. I like to have at an eclectic choice of least 3-4 on the go to suit whatever mood I’m in. So I’m not going to limit myself to finishing one thing before I start another.
I increasingly find it hard to turn off my editor brain when reading novels, so I’m going to try to read more widely in terms of of genre and medium — plays, scripts, poetry, novellas, collections, weird zines.
I’m a fast reader from necessity, study, work and a neurodiverse processing system, but that’s not necessarily a good thing for me when it comes to reading for pleasure. So I need to remind myself that slow is ok. Slow means greater absorption and immersion. There is no rush.
I can read for hours if my hands are busy (hence the audiobook/cooking collaboration) and I do most of my reading these days when I’m knitting something — but I’m between projects at the moment and all outta yarn, so I should remedy both these things together and find something fresh to make to facilitate my reading! (It’s currently a toss up between a crocheted octopus and a skull & crossbones scarf…)
So, here’s my current selection. Some of them I’m already part-way through. Some of them are fresh as virgin snow. Some are re-reads (because there are no rules and I picked out the ones that just felt right at this precise moment). But all of them have been waiting patiently for me to give them some attention.
Wild Life by
— actually this is a re-read, but it’s been a while and I wanted a flash collection for the occasional tiny dose of dopamine.Wool by Hugh Howey — I bought this yeeeeears ago, read the first chapter, enjoyed it, and then… never continued for unknown reasons. And now there’s a TV show — Silo — based on the series, so I’m jumping back on the bandwagon to see if it makes me want to watch it afterwards.
How to Read a Tree by Tristan Gooley — a Christmas present from my lovely mum-in-law — and now I’m daydreaming of heading off into the woods to read it on a nice log.
Hawkhurst by Joseph Dragovich — some dark and dastardly research for my historical screenplay. I’m well overdue a research trip into Kent and I’m hoping this will motivate me to make a plan.
The Book of Delights by Ross Gay — another re-read but oh my this is a ray of sunshine that my heart needs right now. Highly recommend this one as a remedy and an inspiration for journaling, CNF, or just generally looking at the world in a more delightful way.
As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner — been on my TBR for at least a year and yet it has lain untouched. Another recommendation from a friend (I have so many excellent book-rec friends and I wish I actually listened to them.)
A Midwife’s Tale — another research book from the same era as a couple of my WIPs. Because it’s a diary, I find I can only read it in short chunks, which means it’s very slow to get through, but it’s utterly fascinating.
And on my Kindle:
The Heart in Winter by Kevin Barry — recently recommended by my husband. I’m already a few chapters in and very much enjoying the voice and style.
The Steerswoman by Rosemary Kirstein — randomly came across this recommended online and am fully in love with this world and these characters.
Godkiller by Hannah Kaner — literally judged a book by its cover and bought it after seeing it in a Waterstones display. Only read a few chapters and am intrigued but not 100% sure yet.
The Wager by David Grann — a non-fiction with a great creative narrative style and a doomed series of events to look forward to… Part research, part general interest, and mostly purchased on the strength of its reviews.
These are just a handful of the possibilities ahead of me this year, and I may well abandon some of these before I pick out the next batch, but this is definitely plenty to get on with for now…
So here I am, holding myself somewhat accountable.
Please feel free to join me in this Fixion Lesson and get your nose in a good book!
Have you read any of the ones on my TBR list? Thoughts to share? Recommendations on a theme?
Are you also struggling with your reading habits? Have you noticed any patterns on how/what/why you read? What makes it easier? Harder? More enjoyable?
And what’s on your TBR pile at the moment?
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Libraries don’t count, though, right? ;)
Jo, thank you! You have heartened me on a day when I needed heartening. And reminded me of the Ross Gay book, which I have. I'm going to listen (again) to it on my walk today.